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Hi

I am Rayya.

I have returned.

I would love to say I recovered gained weight and now I am looking for salvation once more. No. Sadly (or not) no. I lost weight. I got to about 121 lbs then I ate and ate.. 2 years later I am 30lbs heavier and far heavier than I have ever been.

I don't know how it happened. Wait that's a lie - I know how it happened. Food happened. Food happened and I forgot I could stop eating.

I don't know when it became acceptable for me to eat but at some point it did. I went through periods of 'eating like a normal person' (eating 800 calories of food, chewing and spitting loads and taking laxatives to feel empty again). And I went through periods of barely eating accompanied by exercise in the hope that for gods sake it would make a difference but I didn't stick at it.

Friday I met a friend and we drank and ate together (she ate - I part ate/part chewed and spat out my dinner). And now I am lying here thinking what the actual fuck. These 30lbs need to get off me quickly as I am disgusting.

I have a new job a job where I have to have breakfast and/or lunch and/or dinner with colleagues or clients and hence I have normalised eating which is good in a way but not good in the consequences that such normalisation has had on my weight.

You know what I have found though?

Old habits die hard.

I will be thin.

(again)