002.00 Start of the Regime

Yes well the week passed by with my various attempts at restriction disheveled by work lunches :/ like honestly why do they exist (lunches, food, calories in general). Thursday I ended up going out with a friend at last minute consuming way too much alcohol and being inexplicably hungover the next day and then deciding no fuck it all I cannot let myself just swallow back contents of glasses avoiding the hideous reflection of the fat grotesque monster I have become.

A guy started talking to me again reminding me exactly of the piece of nothing good for only one thing worthless piece of shit I am.

I fell, I cried.

I get it I am just not good enough but dear God I want to be good enough. I want to be enough, I want to be something. After a ridiculous 15 hour sleep after zero sleep for over 50 hours I woke up determined.

Determined that there will be no more new beginnings that this is it.

I will work out long and hard and I will launch an attack on this pathetic disgusting body from all angles.

I will starve, I will use ephedrine, I will go on my bike and I will work out.

I will sweat my arse off and I must feel hunger.

And so it began. This new regime. The first workout was good.

Then I made a rookie fuck up mistake by starting to chew spit dinner and then having to swallow and actually eat some of it because my sister decides to come and sit next to me in an indiscreet attempt at dining supervision.

Well after that I felt disgusted and sick at that pollutant sitting in my already bulbous gut. I went upstairs to the bathroom and somewhat effortlessly made myself sick. I can only ever make my self sick after drinking loads so this was definitely a small blessing and quite frankly I am not complaining.

I will not make the same mistakes again.

Today was better. No accidently swallowed crap - a chew and spit blip but that was rectified quickly and it did not turn into a binge. I worked out again and damn the burning pain in my legs is a comforting reminder that today I did good.

I will continue the offensive on fat indefinitely. And I will fucking win this time, I swear this time I will be thin.

Come, let's starve together?

x

001.00

Hi

I am Rayya.

I have returned.

I would love to say I recovered gained weight and now I am looking for salvation once more. No. Sadly (or not) no. I lost weight. I got to about 121 lbs then I ate and ate.. 2 years later I am 30lbs heavier and far heavier than I have ever been.

I don't know how it happened. Wait that's a lie - I know how it happened. Food happened. Food happened and I forgot I could stop eating.

I don't know when it became acceptable for me to eat but at some point it did. I went through periods of 'eating like a normal person' (eating 800 calories of food, chewing and spitting loads and taking laxatives to feel empty again). And I went through periods of barely eating accompanied by exercise in the hope that for gods sake it would make a difference but I didn't stick at it.

Friday I met a friend and we drank and ate together (she ate - I part ate/part chewed and spat out my dinner). And now I am lying here thinking what the actual fuck. These 30lbs need to get off me quickly as I am disgusting.

I have a new job a job where I have to have breakfast and/or lunch and/or dinner with colleagues or clients and hence I have normalised eating which is good in a way but not good in the consequences that such normalisation has had on my weight.

You know what I have found though?

Old habits die hard.

I will be thin.

(again)